Cherry and I were discussing the fear we feel when a new prospect enters the picture. Words like "respect," "romantic," and "thoughtful," were being said, at which point I had to pull out my Webster's to determine the meaning of such words in this context. No, this isn't a "chivalry is so dead," rant. I've had the pleasure of meeting the great gentlemen that are blessed to be with both of my sisters and a few of my girlfriends. Rather, this is a "why am I such an idiot?" rant.
Why is that typically normal gestures end up being red-flags to me? Negative, degrading thoughts are at the very least crossing my mind, but more than likely being discussed with my mom or a girlfriend. Oh my gosh, he said I'm beautiful and was genuine about it? What the fuck is wrong with him? Oh, a good morning text, REALLY? Did his parents beat him senseless as a child? He's asking my girlfriend about me, not to find out if I'll put out but to see if I'm like a good person. He's clearly a devil! Holy balls, he didn't even TRY to have sex with me....does he have a small penis? Does he even have a penis? What's he trying to get out of this?
I'm not sure who reads these posts aside from my mom (because she's obviously forced to do so), so it's hard to determine the general reaction to these thoughts. Because most of my friends are girls or gays, they can relate. What I can't get over is, why is it accepted as "normal," for people to feel this way? I'm not going to bitch about the nightmare that is my dating and relationship history. Wah wah, poor me. All I'm saying is that the aftermath of a bad breakup, toxic relationship, or sketchy dates should be recognized as potentially damaging to our well-being.
Because we're both psychology-nerds, my evening was spent texting Cherry, trying to think of a catchy name for this type of dating related PTSD. What I admire in her though, is something I completely lack. No matter how many times she's been hurt, Cherry always goes into a date, a Tinder swipe, a night out in River North with an open and optimistic mind. Cherry is just one of too many amazing friends that I've seen truly suffer due to the actions of a terrible person. Let me be completely clear: I've been on both sides of this before, both the heart-broken mess that drops to a weight below one hundred pounds due to depression as well as the selfish and hurtful person that makes stupid mistakes that continue to haunt my brain from time to time. Neither position is one that I ever want to find myself in, nor those that I care about.
So I guess the question is, what can I do about it? Do I continue on this neurotic path? I can keep my fingers crossed that the DSM-IV includes a diagnosis of Dating Douches Syndrome with the treatment recommendations being new stilettos, drinks with girlfriends and dancing at a gay club. I'm certainly aware that thinking every man that is somewhat respectful toward me wants to cut me up into fifteen mason jars and store me on a shelf in the basement doesn't typically cross one's mind in a time of gratitude. Rather than butterflies the minute I (gasp!) agree to go on a date, I feel as though that I'm sealing my fate to be turned into a skinsuit. Instead, I think I need a very intense reality check and maybe, just maaaaaybe, next time I'll opt for the giddies instead of the crazies and see how it goes.
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