Both the roomie and I have had our share of awkward dates, atrocious men, and possibly the worst of all: feelings. We were discussing our recent prospects this afternoon and how it is more of a ticking time bomb to see when the bad will come out.
Will it be on the first date, which would be nice so there's no further investment, or will they reel you in first, adding insult to injury? Sometimes you can pull the loose screws out like a magnet within minutes of meeting awkwardly at the coffee shop. But you can't always be so lucky. It could be two years into a relationship that you assume is heading toward engagement when you panic and think, what in the fuck am I doing?
So here we are, talking about our upcoming plans with these guys. Will it work out with the 30 year old that talks about his god-daughter? I hope so because a guy that adores children and pampers his little princess is an automatic winner, especially since my roomie is constantly obsessing about turkey-basting me so he can have a little diva of his own. I love hear about his dates and the guys that he's talking to. Within minutes of showing me their text messages or discussing where they went on their date, I know if there will be another second one. I can tell just because I know my gay husband and what he's looking for as well as what he deserves, but I can also by his tone of voice, what he discloses to me and what he wore on the date. He should be in a relationship with no one less than incredible, as he's the greatest guy I've met. A catty bitch from time to time, but that's why we adore one another.
Same story with many of my girlfriends. Cherry has had many less than amazing men treat her terribly and I usually tell her my thoughts on these guys. She's the most romantic, loving and optimistic woman I know and I'm still waiting for her to gallop off into the sunset with the Prince Charming she belongs with, not some douche that looks okay in white and can ride a horse. When my sister Jose was in high school, I would point out that the guy she was going out with that seemed "weird," which is the way a twelve year old says, "he looks like a fucking deadbeat," in case you were unaware of that. I've told my friends, "no, just no," as well as, "absolutely fucking not," when needed. I'm also quick to determine whether this is just a fling or if it's something serious and list the pros and cons of each and if the guy adds up.
So here's the mystery: why am I completely incapable of doing this for myself? Do I love my friends in such an unconditional way that I haven't quite learned to feel for myself? If I were my therapist, I would say absolutely (and send a $225 bill with it). In the mean time, I would say it's because I like to see the best in the people that I'm interested in. That quality might be what draws some men in, but it's also what makes me such an idiot. The frustrating part is I don't think my expectations are unrealistic, I'm not desperately searching for something right now and I think I'm pretty damn amazing. I'm just not going to waste my time with some douche who:
a) is an untitled brat that uses his parents money for everything and can't appreciate that I'm a hard working, ambitious badass.
b) is also career driven but only thinks of himself, his work, and his friends while expecting me to drop everything for him.
c) is only looking for a hook up (sorry, you're with the wrong girl), but then gets upset when I indicate that I'm going out with friends, meeting people and I'm not available. This one may or may not include a minor freak out when I stop talking to him all together.
d) of course the friend, coworker, man-in-a-relationship, that has no reason all together to try to court me anyway.
I'm not actively searching for Mr. Right at this time, but I also don't want Mr. Dumbass either. This is why I'm satisfied with my extremely attractive tribe of well-dressed and hilarious homos until we all find our mister.
An art that seems to have faded away with long division (thank god), hand-written letters and using paper maps that are a bitch to fold back together, is offering a genuine and appropriate apology.
First of all, I'm certainly at fault on missing the apology cue on numerous very important occasions. Recently the love of my life and I were both overworked, ridiculously stressed, not to mention going through a drought. He's the homosexual gay version of me, complete with feisty big hair, a sassy attitude, and an insatiable appetite for wine. Needless to say, a few days of not accidentally downing an entire bottle of wine turned into a week. That week of not falling asleep on the grandpa chair he was reupholstering while I had a narcoleptic fit on the couch with my favorite fluffy grey blanket of his turned into too many weeks. Then it hit me: I've been a snotty bitch. I was upset and hurt that he had broken plans with me, not asked what happened to the guy I had been hanging out with (answer: absolutely nothing), but then I realized that I hadn't been making fun of his gap-toothed, bitch of a boss via text with him, teasing him for his busy week of back to back dates, or inviting him over to laugh at my pathetic excuse for an apartment. I could have focused on the ways that I was disappointed and hurt because of him, but instead I decided to not be a selfish bitch and admitted to myself that I was in the wrong.
I did what any well spoken, eloquent lady would do: I sent a Facebook message at 6AM. I went to sleep thinking about how upset I was with myself for letting this incredible guy, amazing friend and hilarious bitch drift away. I woke up telling myself that I wouldn't go through the day without making things right. I sent a fairly long message to him with the main theme being, "I'm sorry for being a cunty brat the last couple of months. I love you, I miss you. Can we hang out soon and make fun of random things?" And what do you know? Life is good again. He was over a couple of nights ago eating our JK Date Night Pizza and attempting to hang my curtains. He left weighing three pounds heavier with a bandaid on his hand.
On the flip side, I've been in need of the "I suck, I'm sorry," message from a few people recently. Part of the reason my long-lost-homo and I are such a great duo is because, as sassy as we may be, we have huge hearts. Just as he helped me with job hunting, offering a place to live for a couple months, and mostly just supporting me emotionally, I have done the same for others. When I care about someone, I truly care for them unconditionally. And that exactly why it upsets me to feel taken for granted and used. As if being a selfish jerk while you're in town to supposedly visit me and bring me out of the depression I've been in isn't bad enough, a lingering apology drags the hurt on and on. I've had friends completely forget about me now that I'm a whopping eight hours away, insinuate that I've "lucked into everything," since I've moved here (it's called months of hard work and patience, assholes), and jump to point out all the mistakes that I've made. Are these the people I want in my life moving forward? Actually no. I guess I should continue to rid my life of the negative and keep a positive mind.
Of course sometimes you just need to let things slide and I absolutely feel that I am a very understanding person. I know my friends, every detail to what's going on at work, that their love-life is imploding in front of them, that their grampy is having health issues, and I respect that they aren't the finest version of themselves at all times. That said, if you blatantly use me, avoid the truth, blow me off, or insult me, you've probably crossed the line. I'm a fairly laid back girl and I do make the most awful jokes so it takes a lot to even SEE the line that one shouldn't touch. All I'm saying is, if you're sick, worried about someone you love, or pissed at your psychotic boss just preface your bitchiness with a text. "Hey, Idaho is being a raging mircomanager this week and I'm on the man-period from hell," will say everything. Or send a Facebook message with the link to the upcoming event you're prepping for and tell me you can't wait to hang out once all is complete. Life isn't hard, people.
Are Facebook messages and texts the apology of our time? Probably. Honestly, I don't care how the point gets across as long as it's genuine. Send a damn smoke signal, carrier pigeon or take me to DOC for a glass of wine but mean exactly what you say and all will be forgiven. I think that every one of us has hurt someone, done something stupid and massively fucked up on a semi-regular basis that it shouldn't be unheard of to take the time to acknowledge that something was dumb, unintentional and let's move onto catching up on the crazies we saw on the CTA this week.
