A Douche-Vestigation

Both the roomie and I have had our share of awkward dates, atrocious men, and possibly the worst of all: feelings. We were discussing our recent prospects this afternoon and how it is more of a ticking time bomb to see when the bad will come out. 

Will it be on the first date, which would be nice so there's no further investment, or will they reel you in first, adding insult to injury? Sometimes you can pull the loose screws out like a magnet within minutes of meeting awkwardly at the coffee shop. But you can't always be so lucky. It could be two years into a relationship that you assume is heading toward engagement when you panic and think, what in the fuck am I doing? 

So here we are, talking about our upcoming plans with these guys. Will it work out with the 30 year old that talks about his god-daughter? I hope so because a guy that adores children and pampers his little princess is an automatic winner, especially since my roomie is constantly obsessing about turkey-basting me so he can have a little diva of his own. I love hear about his dates and the guys that he's talking to. Within minutes of showing me their text messages or discussing where they went on their date, I know if there will be another second one. I can tell just because I know my gay husband and what he's looking for as well as what he deserves, but I can also by his tone of voice, what he discloses to me and what he wore on the date. He should be in a relationship with no one less than incredible, as he's the greatest guy I've met. A catty bitch from time to time, but that's why we adore one another. 

Same story with many of my girlfriends. Cherry has had many less than amazing men treat her terribly and I usually tell her my thoughts on these guys. She's the most romantic, loving and optimistic woman I know and I'm still waiting for her to gallop off into the sunset with the Prince Charming she belongs with, not some douche that looks okay in white and can ride a horse. When my sister Jose was in high school, I would point out that the guy she was going out with that seemed "weird," which is the way a twelve year old says, "he looks like a fucking deadbeat," in case you were unaware of that. I've told my friends, "no, just no," as well as, "absolutely fucking not," when needed. I'm also quick to determine whether this is just a fling or if it's something serious and list the pros and cons of each and if the guy adds up. 

So here's the mystery: why am I completely incapable of doing this for myself? Do I love my friends in such an unconditional way that I haven't quite learned to feel for myself? If I were my therapist, I would say absolutely (and send a $225 bill with it). In the mean time, I would say it's because I like to see the best in the people that I'm interested in. That quality might be what draws some men in, but it's also what makes me such an idiot. The frustrating part is I don't think my expectations are unrealistic, I'm not desperately searching for something right now and I think I'm pretty damn amazing. I'm just not going to waste my time with some douche who:
a) is an untitled brat that uses his parents money for everything and can't appreciate that I'm a hard working, ambitious badass. 
b) is also career driven but only thinks of himself, his work, and his friends while expecting me to drop everything for him. 
c) is only looking for a hook up (sorry, you're with the wrong girl), but then gets upset when I indicate that I'm going out with friends, meeting people and I'm not available. This one may or may not include a minor freak out when I stop talking to him all together. 
d) of course the friend, coworker, man-in-a-relationship, that has no reason all together to  try to court me anyway. 

I'm not actively searching for Mr. Right at this time, but I also don't want Mr. Dumbass either. This is why I'm satisfied with my extremely attractive tribe of well-dressed and hilarious homos until we all find our mister.