My Hometown To-Do List

As my move from smalltown, USA, gets closer (twenty-seven days!!!), I've been prioritizing what I would like to do with my limited time. Thankfully, most of these things can be done solo without looking like a total psychotic creeper, though I will enlist or hire friends or children of friends to participate. Examples of these activities are:

• First Thursday at Le Q and drunken tacos. This is a nineteen and up gay bar (aren't they all?) that allows for amateur strip night on Thursdays. This is also known as "straight night," because all of the creepy meatheads have learned that drunk, fun and pretty women frequent the gay bar. Whoever let this secret out is an asshole, FYI, because it ruined what was once a safe haven for fabulous fruit flies everywhere. My LAST First Thursday is this week, we'll see what happens -- ideally spending by whipping my sweaty pony tail into my Asian Jennayyyy's face while DJ Poodle dances like a popstar next to us. Either way, the night is filled with shot specials, dangerously cheap Long Island Iced Teas, a lot of glitter, EDM and sweat. This usually includes a lot of drama. Example: a surprise birthday party for a fabulous advocate and friend to gays all over (me, obvsiously) being told to "Go die in a ditch," after suggesting lunch. Ohhhh lady-drama. Sounds appealing, no? This night would end with my mom picking me up from A) the curb outside the bar or, B) afterhours at DJ Poodle's house, and driving me through Amigos for tacos and ranch. I can feel the hangover melting away like delicious cheese sauce already.
• Saturday morning farmer's market. This is the most prime people-watching in the area. All sorts of freaks, trainwrecks from the night before (this is usually me), and adorable families are out and about to buy local produce, fresh cut flowers, and Pinterest projects from people that can follow instructions. I always run into old friends that I'm thrilled to see, people that I will dive into a garbage can to avoid, and meet new people. My favorite times have been going with my childhood neighbors and still closest friends and our mothers. Also, I love to stuff my fat face so the "hot donut boys," of The Donut Hole are my favorites ever. 
• Have a successful date. This probably seems pointless because I'm moving, but it would serve a purpose. I have a theory that men from the Heartland can't take a fiery, assertive, yet pretty woman on a date and be happy.  What's wrong with hummus and mango-press cocktails at my favorite bar with the lights from Peony Park? Nothing. If anyone would listen, they would know this is a gold-mine. A fun, thoughtful date, with a guy that can carry a conversation would send me packing with a glowing recommendation for the men of corn-city. Sigh.
• Go to the planetarium at the lake and history museum on campus. These are separate activities but I feel like they go hand-in-hand. Fellas, once I'm gone, this is also a fantastic date idea for future endeavors. Maybe just one or the other, with to-gosies involved, but still. The History Museum at the University is one of my favorite places. I remember going as a little girl with my best friends and neighbors, I went in middle school while my sister attended University, and I went a few weeks ago. It's peaceful, offers excellent people watching, and allows me to nerd out big time. I've never been to the planetarium, though I've been talking about it for years. I'm obsessed with the nighttime sky and would love nothing more than to sip some Cabernet or a refreshing cucumber vodka-water while gazing at the stars by the pretty lake. I think that the Observatory is only open on Saturday nights, which explains why I've never been: I'm working, sleeping or drinking on a Saturday. Oopsie. 
• Grilling at my favorite couple's house with lots of wine, my dog and a walk. This fabulous couple have been my mentors, older siblings, best friends, and the inspiration for the Summer of Yes. We've done it all: road trips, wild nights out, a trip to Vegas, disgustingly expensive dinners, but my favorite times with them are spent in my yoga pants, sock-bun while she fires up salmon on the grill and I make myself at home. If I'm half as successful in love, my career, and life as these two, I only have them to thank. They're the best team and supporters of anyone I know and have inspired me to chase my dreams to make them reality. 
• Have a picnic, hike and ride horses at Pioneers Park and Mahoney State Park. These two places make me reminiscent of my younger years as well. I'm still heated about my Middle Sister losing my opal and silver ring at Pioneers Park in fourth grade. Whaaat a bitch. However, the biggest bitch is my older sister -- though not intentionally so we'll blame it on my mom. My sister ran cross-country in high school and my mother would force me to go to all of her cross country meets. Ever attend a cross-country event? Here's an explanation from eight year-old me: four hours of  running in circles, wearing weird outfits (the boys shorts were SO SHORT!!!), sweating everywhere and gasping for air, all in the August weather that passed 100 degrees, not including humidity. She would run by every thirty minutes or so while I played with other kids my age- probably kick the can or with tumbleweeds or something. I apologize for the rant, but despite the hostility, I spent about every Saturday for four years at this park and had a blast. There are wildlife refuges, nature centers, horseback riding and tons of activities to just relax and sip on a salted-caramel latte with salted-caramel Stoli. I was drinking this at Mahoney last year when my Grampy called out of the blue to tell me he's proud of me, something I had never heard before and will never forget. He also said I had lost weight, when I definitely hadn't. Bonus!!
• My favorite stuffed french toast with my brunch-bestie. For about three months, one of my favorite and longest-time friends and I were attempting to go to the gym and trying different brunch restaurants in town, then finishing the day off with some very intense shopping. Brunch is my favorite meal of the day, I love the way I feel after hitting Goodlife Fitness, and shopping is my only athletic ability, so it only makes sense. However, I wouldn't do this with anyone but her because she's one of the most amazing and hilarious women I know and laughing until I spit out my orange juice is the best way to spend a Sunday. That, and heading to JCrew for a sale.
•  Finally, a nice night at home with my mom and dog, Halle. My favorite nights with mom consist of taking my Hals around the park by my house while she gives me a play-by-play of her day but she gets cut off when we run into the neighbors that are walking their dogs Homer and Scrappy. Then we make dinner -- which is mostly me making a mess, getting frustrated and mixing drinks instead while mom rescues the failed meal. Stupid Pinterest!!! Then mom and I gossip about the neighborhood happenings, catch each other up on what's going on with close friends and discuss our favorite TV shows. Before I was working so many hours to save money to move, this happened a few times a week but are now a rarity. I'm accepting applications for someone to have dinner with Peggy once I move so her cooking and baking skills don't fall by the wayside. I will be heartbroken to come home to burnt monster cookies or poorly formed pie-crust.

Interestingly, I just realized how much I'll be missing some of these things. My brunch-dates in Chicago will always be sent in a text or video to my favorite Bruncher. I'm sure I'll call Peggy at dinner time to see if she's overfed my already obese dog into a coma and request that leftovers be sent my way. I haven't been fearful, depressed or too crazy during this transition and can't figure out why.  Now that I've typed it all out, I know exactly why: the person that I would want to do all of these things with is in Chicago. He has been my cheerleader, full on with fake hair, spankies and legs behind his head. He's the one that would say without any hesitation, "Sure, fuck it! I'll pick up a bottle of Cab at Targhetto, come pick me up in the slut-wagon, and we'll head to the planetarium. What are you wearing? That's too slutty, don't wear that. You're such a slut." I'm an incredibly lucky girl to have so many supporters and friends. But, seriously, if anyone feels the need to booze while observing fossils or walking around Holmes before the observatory -- let me know. Twenty seven days left!