Carlos has a Grindr account, if you don't know what that is google it. His profile stats are skewed due to the little-person-ism of the makers of Grindr. He proudly stands at roughly three feet tall and weighs no more than a couple of pounds. His eyes are a little squinty but, as you can see his intricate facial hair - a goatee- is stunning and well groomed. Underneath the towel is a semi-erect 2 inch penis. What they say about midgets having "kickstands," is not accurate for Carlos. Poor guy.
Despite his impotent size, Carlos LOVES to party. This gift from God was left at our suite in the Power and Light District of Kansas City last summer. Some friends from high school were in town for a bachelor party the same weekend that I was hosting a bachelorette party for my childhood frenemy and now bestie. Thanks to social media, the bachelors stopped by our suite with a 1.75 of jaeger, enough red bull to fuel my car for a week or two, tall boy Busch lights, vodka, and Carlos. After many shots, photos, and wardrobe changes for Carlos (his favorite was the lime green thong), it was decided that Carlos wouldn't be allowed into P&L without proper ID. The bachelors said their goodbyes to Carlos and left him in the care of eight very drunk women.
One might ask, "why did a group of men have a male blow up doll named Carlos with no entry points?" I, however, make no judgments (lie, I just forgot to ask). About a year later, I asked the biological father, Nick. He said that the store they had gone to didn't have a female blow up doll and that was all they could find. I couldn't be happier about this. My dog growing up was a bull-shit; part bulldog, part shih tzu. No one knew exactly how these puppies would turn out when my dad and his friends bred their dogs. However, it was a pleasant surprise to see exactly HOW hideous my Maxwell was. Such is the case with Carlos, I had no idea that my life was void of such an aesthetically awkward yet entertaining dependent, as was the situation with a hideous dog later made famous by Dumb and Dumber. Carlos now fills that hole in my heart that Maxwell left.
Where is Carlos today? Well, he currently lives Harry Potter style. Not in a kickass castle with moving staircases and talking paintings, but a cupboard under the stairs. This isn't a form of punishment though; more like an ode to Carlos. It's a closet with fabulous clothes, suitcases and beanie babies. He comes out of the closet for special events such as BBQs and Color Kid's going away party. He can often be found on Grindr, stating that he "loves to party," and asking if he can "eat your spicy tuna roll." Carlos is a real charmer, which is why he's been part of my family name for over a year. Now the question is if Peggy (mom) or I will get custody of him....
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