Dating apps make me never want to date.
Wait, is this some crazy oxymoron? I don’t know, I’m not an English teacher. But I am a twentysomething that still believes in the traditional dating methods. By traditional, I of course mean going out for whiskey in Wicker Park, following each other on Instagram and analyzing behaviors with my girlfriends and gays on my morning commute on the 146. I’m not so old-school that I expect you to ask my mom permission, for you to show up to my apartment with flowers and to wonder what’s under my petticoat. Think 2005, not 1905. That’s fair right? Apparently not. That’s all I want. I want to meet someone while I’m at a networking event, through friends (which is a challenge since all of my Chicago friends are flaming homos), or any other circumstance that allows me to spend time with him without worrying I’m dating the Craigslist Killer.
I do not want to meet some rando through Tinder, OKCupid, whatever. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problems with these apps. Plenty of friends, straight and gay (helloooo Grindr, Scruff and Jackd), have had some fun experiences via these “dating,” apps and that’s totally great. It’s the fact that I know that I already have issues (see previous post, eek), and if I met someone on a site where they were talking to a bajillion other hot and interesting chicks, that will be in the back of my mind. I just don’t see that another twentysomething in the city would chose an app to find someone to start something serious with over other means. If it’s simply to hook up then, go get it man! I’m not into the hook-up culture that many of my peers are exploring right now and I feel a little left out. I’m currently in the awkward situation of a drunken night at the bar-turned pizza in bed the next day to figuring out what the hell is going on six weeks later… because I never put myself in these situations. This is exactly why: it’s not going to be graceful either way. Either it’s a one weekend fling, which I don’t do, or it leads into going out and, honestly, I don’t really do that either. Well, what is it that I do? Clearly nothing. After realizing that I’ve dated wrong guy after VERY wrong guy, I have little desire to jump into a relationship. Also acknowledging that I don’t do well with hook ups, I’ve managed to stay away from that culture as well. So, I mostly just hang out with my endearing and hilarious gays. I’m only twenty-four people.
So, now that I’ve gotten way off topic, back to dating apps: just no. I’m 100% certain that I’m going to get fucked over because of one. I can’t blame the app, it’s not Tinder’s fault that what’s-his-name is a man slut. It is technology’s fault for putting hooking up onto the bottom shelf for everyone. Sure, I was Tiger Woods-ed the first years that Facebook around, back when you had to have a college email to utilize it (that makes me sound old, sigh), so it’s inevitable with or without technology. There will always be men (and women of course) that will find a way to cheat whether it’s via an app on their phone, drunk girl at the bar, fucking hieroglyphics, who knows. What I do know is that I don’t want to find out. I certainly don’t want to be with a cheater but I feel that these apps make even the most innocent of intentions turn south quickly. Did you know that there’s an entire site dedicated to married people seeking affairs? I get emails to join sent to my spam box (along with AARP, what the hell?), weekly! I’m not even close to being married the first time, folks, give me some time before I ruin my vows.
All I know is that the minute I see OKCupid’s pepto-colored app, the douchey Tinder flame, and especially a bright orange Grindr mask (for more than one obvious reason!), on the guy’s phone, red flags are raised. I have enough issues resisting the temptation to overanalyze things with friends and shaking the thoughts of you with other women out of my head while we make out against the kitchen counter before opening the bottle of wine! The older I get the more unusual I realize I am, and it never bothered me until recently. Naïve was never a word that I would use to describe myself but I’m beginning to feel that way. Is there something wrong with me in that I want to be courted, not messaged through some shady server on my iPhone? I don’t want a notification that “Gold Coast Darrin,” sent me a message on Tinder, I want a text or a phone call from First LastName asking when I’m available because he wants to see me. The last thing I want to do is message about a meet up that won’t happen and if it does it’s either a) smashed at a bar because they only want to hook up or b) an
awkward day time coffee date because he doesn’t want to waste the time or money on a real date. I want walks in Lincoln Park, craft beers and HBO marathons, I want to know about his family and where he grew up, I want to tell him about my psychotic mother and meddling gays.That is what dating is to me and I have no intention to change that to adjust to 2014 standards.
I may be neurotic, a little bit old fashioned, and unrealistic but I’m happily single if it means I won't have to deal with the endless array of rejection, man-sluts and weirdos on freaking Tinder.
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