Yes, this is yet another post regarding the members of The Valley. Also known as the c-list stars in the reality show that I made up in my head every day while slinging drinks at the golf club. Judge if you must.
For over four months I spent my time psychoanalyzing these guys, listening to their assessments of their wives and families, and pretending to listen to their unsolicited dating/life/marriage advice. Because of this, I have likely developed even more trust issues, fears of marriage and a general feeling that males are basically a population to be avoided until I have mentally prepared myself in such a way to deal with them. Also, it only made me love these guys even more.
I have developed a very real fear of tying the knot, more so than before, due to these gems from some of my favorite men.
"I'm like Santa Claus, I only come once a year." They insist that the minute the ring went on the delicate finger of their beautiful wife, they stopped having sex unless it's for reproduction. Also included in this is that the wedding band delivers a cease-and-desist order to blow jobs. My favorite guys swear that their wives never want to have sex with them, they don't wear anything sexy for them, and some of their time is spent sleeping on the couch. Of course all of this is said when a lot of the guys spend at least three a week at the golf club eating Snickers, drinking Miller Lite and Vodka-Tonics. However, I am not a marriage therapist (I don't get paid enough by the Valley to do that shit!), so I simply choose to point out that they are no longer young studs anymore and they should be happy when they do get it. In the mean time, I will listen to the dirty things they used to do on the back nine and half blush, half laugh my ass off. There are images in my brain from a tournament in May that will never leave -- thanks, Roy. I like to have sex when I'm in a relationship with a sexy man that I care a lot about so I'm in no rush to become Mrs. Claus.
"Don't get married unless you want to have kids." Well, this is stereotypical. I have friends that have been married in the three years since I was of legal drinking age that already tell me this. Isn't that part of the reason you get married, to give unwanted martial advice instead of working out your issues? Nah, too easy. Well, why did you get married then? Just for kids, well that was with your first wife so now what's your excuse? I just don't understand why everyone that has sealed the deal hates it. No one told you this before you got married? Doubtful. I don't know if I want kids but I sure as hell want a license to complain all the time so this is a perfect opportunity. Is that in the fine print of the marriage license?
"I'm the best husband ever, I don't know why she's upset." This single sentence took fifteen minutes to write because I was shaking from laughing. Granted, the first time I heard this wasn't from any regulars, it was a guy in a bachelor party. He also said this about five minutes after I politely declined his offer of $100 to take my top off on #13. My creepy new friend insisted that his wife is lucky to have him and that he's happily married. Let me give you the full scene: picture Jonah Hill (when he was fat) with the pregnant beer belly of Kevin James and some nasty Duck Dynasty style clothing. He's shooting tequila (requesting to take the shots from my toned tummy and being told to "kindly fuck off,"), drinking warm Captain and Coke, and wearing hideous street clothes. My golfer is bragging to what I assumed to be his buddies from a small town out west or from their agricultural college about the two "sluts" that are "so ready to fuck," in an attempt to sound relevant. He met one of the via Facebook and the other is the assistant at his son's doctor's office. Say what? There are children involved? I may or may not have ran my beverage cart over his 9 iron. I did.
"Just, whatever you do, don't get married before thirty." Okay, so this one has merit. The reasoning behind this, and the advice was unanimous, is that you need time to mature and figure out what's important before getting hitched. Nail on the head!!! I agree. However, I have plenty of friends (men and women) that were mature long before 30 and I see their marriage being nothing short of successful, happy and loving. On the flip side, there are some real dipshits that are going to be lucky if they ever determine their values and priorities. Unfortunately, most of my friends that are single are the emotionally healthy ones and, more often than not, the dipshits include some friends that have shiny bands on their left hand. Though the advice has a good foundation, I just don't think you can put a number on maturity, values, and just not being a selfish idiot.
Really though, I'm just afraid to have a husband that dreads coming home to me. Some guys would golf two or three nights a week and on the weekends. I would jokingly ask where their wives or girlfriends were while they hit the green and would receive blank stares. They don't care! The men on bachelor parties, work outings, and especially charity events were the worst. As were the men of the religious golf league. Of course I want whoever I'm with to be a guy and day drink on the course with friends while talking about the ass on the new cart girl. However, taking a body shot off of her or begging her to take off her top for $100 is totally different. Why aren't more men thinking how great of a woman they have that and be thankful that we all turn the cheeks on our beautiful faces to overlook the creepy things that we know they do? You can look at all the titties you want as long as you come home to the ones attached to your girl's toned body and appreciate all the shit we put up with to make you relaxed. Come home saying that I'm way hotter than any 19 year old with the volleyball-player body, the flawless ass on the wolf-eyed girl, and the legs of the blonde in the white shortie-shorts and you'll be a very happy man.
Oh, and guys, guess what? We complain about you when we're out with our friends too :)
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