As many of my friends know, through my telling them or witnessing my antics, I am narcoleptic. Not self-diagnosed via WebMD but literally narcoleptic. My neurologist, an amazing woman btw, put me through the embarrassment of wearing a halter collar to monitor my heart rate and oxygen levels as well as awkward sleep studies in a hospital setting in order to diagnose this condition. This was just another mixer in my cocktail of autoimmune and health issues.
I'm actually awake writing this because the plans that I had for the evening with a cute university professor rescheduled. Not wanting to awkwardly pass out over a cocktail or have him watch the life slowly drain from my face, I decided to take my Nuvigil and enjoyed a two hour afternoon snooze with my dog. I was very prepared for this! Now, unfortunately for me, I have more energy than I know what to do with. Nuvigil for me is like the drug Bradley Cooper takes in Limitless; it keeps me focused, awake, and full of pizazz! I do believe that this is a glowing endorsement. Nuvigil, if you want to use me as your spokeswoman, I will send you my demands.
Anyway, I've had a lot of interesting encounters as a narcoleptic. First of all, no one believes me. Literally not one person has ever heard me reference my condition and trusts me the first time I say it. The second reaction is always referencing the YouTube Narcoleptic Dog video. Sigh. I can't go to movies in the theater, I hate watching television or movies with others, videos or movies in class or at work are challenging, and watch out if I forgot to take my meds that day.
The first time I truly realized that I may have an issue that's not normal to others was a few years ago at the downtown movie theater. I had gone with a friend that recently admitted to being into me and asked me on the standard date (that I hate, fyi); dinner and a movie. After an okay dinner, we headed to the 8 o'clock movie. I was asleep by 8:15 and being woken up by a semi-frustrated, mostly confused friend/date. I wasn't into him as more than a friend, so my oxygen issues did the speaking for me. I couldn't have planned this better myself. It was two months later that I was diagnosed and the light bulb went off. I hope he reads this because he's a really great guy. Oops!
Very recently, I fell asleep in the Starbucks drive-through. I believe the text that I sent to my friend Often-Annoyed Designer read, "Just fell asleep in Starbucks drivethru. I may have more of a problem than though. #narcoprobs." The #narcoprobs has been somewhat of an ongoing joke for a while now, as I've told the tales of my random passing out.
At my draining job as a glorified telemarketer, I would occasionally forget my Nuvigil in the morning and struggle to stay awake. The girls I worked with would laugh and then realize that I was serious and it was only a matter of time until I fell asleep face first into the alphabet on my keyboard. I enjoyed tweeting these happenings with the same hashtag.
Finally, and perhaps the most irritating to me, is that I can't watch TV or movies. I love cinema and studied it for a few semesters in college. As Goddess of the Gays, I (try to) watch all of the up and coming shows, popular dramas and catch up on my gossip through E! News, but I just can't do it. Want to know how many tries it took for me to watch the second to last episode of Newsroom? Six. SIX!!!! It's a sixty minute show that I adore. There is no reason I can't sit through more than ten, give or take, minutes at a time without passing out. I have slowly weaned myself off a lot of shows because of this reason. For most people, it's just a one hour a week commitment, but for me, it is a six ten-minute PLUS 50-minute nap commitment that I just can't make time for.
So, if you are my friend, please do not ask me to go to a movie with you, it makes me sad that I can no longer sit through movies. I don't want to go to your house for an all-night Game of Thrones series night, though that is one of the shows I allow to drain my time. Please, don't ask me to drive through to pick up your PSL from Starbucks if you know I haven't taken my medication. All I do is realize what I weirdo I am. Luckily, I fall asleep shortly after and dream about my life as a Disney character and life is good again.
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