1. A Disney movie. I wasn't crazy about Enchanted, but it would be similar. I do believe that I wake up every morning to birds singing beautiful tunes, well-dressed mice picking out my stunning gown, baby deer making breakfast (vegetarian of course, otherwise that would be weird), and soft bunnies and fluffy squirrels doing my hair and make up. This goes on in my head most mornings, so I'm already partially living the dream. People think I'm joking, but let me assure you: I AM NOT.
2. A musical. I am obsessed with the movie 500 Days of Summer, and I want my life to be like this scene in the movie where everyone randomly breaks out into song and dance after JGL (my man crush) gets laid by an awesome chick. I want it to be socially acceptable for me to sing, shimmy, and have a band follow me around when I'm having a stellar day. Wha's wrong with that? Nothing. Let it happen and the world will be a far better place.
3. A reality show. This will naturally be starring me and my closest friends ; most of which are gay. Of course it will be aired on Bravo or Logo. Don't tell the latter, but I would prefer Bravo so that I can have regular encounters with Andy Cohen. I think living and sharing a bed with my closest ladyboy, Often Annoyed Designer , would make for an awesome show. We continually joke about the awkward threesomes we'll be having when a guy is brought home. He will tell his Grindr hook-up not to worry about me because I a) take Ambien before bedtime and, b) totally love gays so it's super cool. My solution to the problem: hanging a tiara on the door. If the tiara is rocking, don't be cock blocking, girl.
My perfect relationship with my soulmate would be the main focus of the show, but like any good Bravo or E! show, I would set mine up for spin-offs. The three most popular :
- Peggy's Palace: This will be about my mom getting wild and hosting parties now that I've flown the coop. She would invite the random people she drives home at three in the morning (something I will post about later), my friends that like to buy her shots of tequila, and her crazy fun coworkers.
- The Valley: The men at the golf course I've been employed at are seriously nutso. They have opened my eyes to what it's like to be mid-40's, which is basically the same as it is right now. These guys, some are amazing men and I will miss getting kicked out of a bar at two in the morning on a Wednesday, and some are completely off their rockers. However, most are an endearing and fun combination of the two. Either way, this summer has consisted of hearing of their break ups, watching a fight, listening to all of them gossip about each other, and being their Dr. Phil about their relationships. I don't get paid enough for this.
- Finally, The Real Housewives of Lincoln: I've met too many women that aren't much older than I and that are too big for their small town, rhinestoned britches. These women think that it's okay to put others down, calling other girls white-trash because they have a "single mom," (is that what a widow is called? I don't think so), and find a vast majority of their enjoyment in gossiping about their closest friends. Some of these women are people that friends have told me about, girlfriends or wives of my own friends, or the women are my actual friends that I will conveniently lose contact with once I'm in Chicago. Am I any better than these women? Probably not. But I do try to be... and I certianly don't scroll through Pinterest while I'm having a goodbye lunch with one of my "besties." Ugh.
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