Moving to Chicago, moving in general, or really just having any ambition whatsoever is apparently frowned upon by the vast majority of people that surround me.... which lead me to post the following status update on my Facebook page
The
next pessimistic, negative excuse for a friend that asks me if I am
aware of how expensive, cold, dangerous, or different Chicago is from
Lincoln will be getting a swift but powerful slap to the face from my
wrinkly grandma hands. Thank you.
This was brought on by endless questions and statements by the idiots that surround me on a regular basis. Initially, I tried to fake interest and at least pretend to listen to the input on others about where to live, how much money I should expect to spend, blah blah blah. And then my give-a-shit broke and is too pricey to fix since I'm moving to suuuuuch a costly city. So, being the sarcastic asshole that I am, I've come up with some fabulously sassy responses to the negative fools that try to put me down.
#1 : Do you know that Chicago is so expensive to live in?
Americans are nosey and love to ask about money. Do I tell them that the apartments I'm looking at are upward of a grand? Sure don't! Do I take the time to explain that the money I'm saving by not having a car payment, car insurance, gas or maintenance, knocks the price of my future home down to that of any nice one bedroom in my college town? I don't care enough to take the time. My favorite replies include:
Thank goodness I'll be working the corner and getting paid more than the alleys here in Lincoln.
Oh really? I thought things were cheaper in bigger cities; prostitutes, booze and blow. Right?
Oh, you thought I worked 80 hour weeks all summer for funsies? No, I've been saving so I can escape.
#2 : Have you heard how cold Chicago is?
I live in the Midwest. I've had snow in October and snow until May. It's not the snow that gets me, it's the ice. I am a baaaaad driver in any poor weather condition...which is why I used to make my mom drive me to my college classes. I have no shame. Do I enjoy cold, snow, ice and wind? Not at all but I deal with it just like every other person that lives in the Northern third of the country. The best and only response I need for this is:
I'm so glad I'll be sharing a bed with a gay man and we'll keep warm with our body heat. Followed by a classy wink.
(Please note that I can't wink. I look like I'm missing a chromosome, making it ten times more awkward)
#3 :
a) Did you know Chicago is the murder capitol of the country?
Response:
Did you know I don't care?
Good. I'll blend right in with the rest of the serial killers.
I won't unpack too soon so that Often Annoyed Designer won't have to mail everything back to my mom before my funeral.
Did YOU know that Chicago is sometimes beat out by Omaha, Nebraska, which is only a tractor ride away?
b ) Do you know how unsafe Chicago is?
Oh, you mean the city that I've acquired more than one stalker, been slipped a date rape drug on TWO occasions, had my leg sliced open by a methhead, and my car broken into is the safest place to be? Newsflash, fools: every where is risky if you put yourself into stupid situations. I'm often referred to as Princess -- and I don't object to this as long as it's used in a loving and not condescending way. Actually I don't care how it's used... if the tiara fits, ya dig? But do you really think someone that is literally called Princess by many of her customers, friends and family, is going to go for an evening stroll in Jackson Park or Michigan Avenue? If you get this wrong please head to the nearest psych ward.
#4 : Do you realize how different Chicago is from Lincoln?
My reply:
THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT!!!!!!!!
Case closed. Save your negativity for someone that it will have an impact on. Or just get a better attitude, keep your unsolicited opinion to yourself, wish me good luck and then Facebook-stalk me and make fun of me to your friends like everyone else does.
Also, I have wrinkly hands and feet due to a skin condition. I own my grandma hands so leave me alone!
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